Updated: Dec 30, 2020

After 21 years of marriage...wherever they saw me they saw you...wherever they saw you...they saw me. To come to this conclusion that you are never coming back I still cannot wrap my brain around it. The fact that you went into the hospital without any complications...just for them to tell you that you had Covid-19. If we knew now what we didn’t know then...you would still be alive today. But, not knowing this monster and what it did..we trusted what urgent care said to do because of pneumonia that the X-ray spotted in both of your lungs. This has been thee most horrible year of my entire life...to take not only my husband, but my dear sweet kindhearted friend. Even through it all I have pushed...myself...our 6 kiddos...and even others that are going through. I chose to help others in the midst of my totally crushed and shattered heart...to encourage others that ”It’s going to be ok through all of this MESS! If I can push through this pain and extreme tragedy...so can you! Not only did my husband die on May 7, 2020 but my Poppa died 2 1/2 months before my husband on February 12, 2020.💔💔 my two loves back to back funerals. My husband was not a sickly man at all. He was a work horse who adored his family and a family man to his heart. My Poppa and my husband were very close...they would always talk and my Poppa was a mixture of Bill Cosby and Fred Sanford put together(Hilarious)🤣 When my Poppa passed my husband found him in his car with his head back and his mouth opened💔he was out shoveling wet snow that night(hard headed) but he had to be feeling some type of way prior. He lived with us for two years...so thankful that he did...gave us a chance to always talk...and him to spend quality time with his grandchildren...we didn’t want anything from him...no money...no expectations...we just wanted him to be happy...and he was just that. We prepared my office for his room and he had his own bathroom downstairs. My Poppa was a strong man...still running up and down the stairs at age 77 literally you all. But, this particular day...I believe it was just his time. My heart breaks as I write this blog...because I didn’t get a chance to say good bye to my Poppa either. I am the only girl out of a total of four children between him and my beautiful mom(momma passing on March 31, 1995). When I ran to the car after my husband was standing at his car door...I lost it. I pulled my Poppa close to my neck and just kept saying “ I’m so sorry daddy...I’m so very sorry.” I was sorry that he didn’t want to come in the house when he felt whatever he felt after shoveling the snow...he was “ready” I believe being lonely for my mother all those years after her passing. My husband wrote my father’s obituary(prominent writer/author he was) and my second oldest son wrote my husband’s. It has been my faith in God that has gotten me through this far...and helping me to continue on this road called...life. If I could admonish anyone that is reading this blog. Please don’t give up...no matter your circumstances. You could be one day...one person away from your breakthrough in life. Everything happens for a reason. Do I understand all the reasons? The answer is...NO! But, I choose by that mite size of faith to believe...that something is greater for me on the other side of the mess...I have to believe it‘s something else that is good out of all this negativity on the other side of this mess..and I believe for you as well. Dance through it...sing through it...cry through it...scream through it...just continue to push through it.


~Tiffani Madkins

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